TikTok has become a hotbed for new trends, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. One trend that's been making waves and racking up millions of views is relationship tests. The idea is simple: you give your partner a quick “test”, and their response (or lack of one) supposedly gives you a read on their character or compatibility.
For example, the bird test involves pointing out something seemingly insignificant, like a bird, to see how your partner reacts. If they show interest, it’s a sign of a strong connection. But if they seem uninterested, it might be a red flag for your relationship.
There’s also the strawberry test, the Beckham test, the forest test, the moon phase test—the list goes on. These tests are meant to be taken lightly. But the fact that they all seem to go viral says a lot about modern attitudes to dating…and it’s not always good.
Why Do People Want to Test Their Relationships?
People test their relationships for a bunch of reasons, and it’s not just about following the latest TikTok trends. One big reason is the way the dating landscape has changed with all these apps and social media. With so many potential matches, people want a quick way to figure out who’s worth their time and who isn’t. This ties into a broader cultural shift where we’re all about being efficient and getting the maximum results with minimum effort, even when it comes to dating.
Insecurity also plays a huge role. At the end of the day, people want certainty—they want to be sure their partner will still be there for them tomorrow, won’t bail when things get rough, or isn’t out cheating when they are not answering calls.
Outside TikTok trends, people test their relationships in various ways. For example, they might test if their partner will respond the “right way” to a vague text, or they might walk out during an argument to see if they will chase after them.
While giving your new date a few innocent tests to check for character or compatibility is not a big deal, it's a slippery slope when it comes to serious relationships. Here’s how testing your romantic partner can backfire big time:
‘1. It Can Stir Up Unnecessary Drama
Testing your partner can lead to unnecessary second-guessing and overthinking. You might find yourself overanalyzing their every move and word, searching for hidden meanings or signs of disinterest or infidelity that may not not actually be there. This pattern can create a vicious cycle where your doubts feed off each other, causing you to misinterpret your partner’s behavior.
For example, let’s say you decide to test your partner by ignoring their calls and messages after a fight to see if they’ll persist in trying to reach you. If they “fail” the test, you might start worrying that they don’t care enough about you or the relationship.
This can make you scrutinize their other behaviors more closely, looking for further signs of a lack of interest or commitment. The next time they’re slow to reply to your message or their text feels a little too short, you might see it as further proof that they’re not invested.
This can set the stage for unnecessary drama and unfounded blame. Eventually, you might bring up your suspicions with your partner, or worse—jump to conclusions and straight up accuse them (e.g. “After our fight, you barely tried to reach me. You don’t care about this relationship”). This is you being toxic, not them.
2. It Can Normalize Deceit and Manipulation
Testing your partner can sometimes cross the line into manipulative territory. Setting up scenarios to see how your partner reacts is unfair and deceptive. For example, if you intentionally storm off during an argument to see if your partner will come after you, you’re not being genuine about your feelings or intentions.
As for your partner, it puts them in a tricky spot where they are being judged without their knowledge, which isn’t great for building an honest and open relationship. In fact, it's almost like gaslighting because you are literally creating a false reality and expecting your partner to navigate it without knowing the rules.
3. It Can Breed Resentment
Testing your partner in this way can also lead to resentment on both ends, which can eventually drive you apart. For example, they might think you walked away from an argument because you needed space to cool off and process your thoughts, so they gave you that space. But since they don’t know your true intentions, you might end up feeling hurt and resentful, thinking that they just don’t care enough.
This could make you more distant or passive-aggressive. As for your partner, they may become confused about what happened and start second-guessing the relationship. They might even start stressing about if they did something wrong, and putting them through this is essentially emotional abuse, even if it’s not intentional.
What to Do Instead
Instead of dropping hints or setting tests, focus on building a real and healthy connection with your partner. Here’s how:
Practice Open Communication
First of all, practice communicating with your partner openly and directly. This can be difficult at first because it opens you up for vulnerability, but it’s the key to a successful relationship. Here are some tips:
Use “I” Statements. Frame your concerns in terms of your own feelings instead of pointing fingers. For example, it’s better to say “I feel upset when you don’t respond to my messages the same day” instead of “You take forever to respond.”
Create a Safe Space. Pick a time and place where you can both talk openly without distractions. More importantly, approach the conversation with the mindset of empathy and the goal of problem-solving, rather than blaming or trying to get your own way.
Avoid Assumptions. Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. Ask them directly and let them express themselves without reservations. For example, instead of assuming your partner is mad at you because they’re unusually quiet, ask, “I noticed you seem quiet today. Is everything okay?”
Address Issues Promptly. Deal with your concerns as they come up instead of letting them build up and fester. Putting off or avoiding difficult conversations can breed resentment and lead to bigger problems later on.
Reflect First, Act Second
Take some time to explore the core needs and insecurities that are driving your behavior. Why do you feel the need to test your partner? Have you had a bad experience in the past? Do you worry that you’re not “good enough” for them? Or perhaps your partner isn’t communicating openly, which makes you resort to this toxic tactic?
Reflection can not only help you communicate your concerns more constructively, but also help you set on the path of healing by revealing the root causes of your behavior. For instance, you might realize that your paranoia and desire to test your partner’s loyalty stem from them coming home late, which reminds you of your ex’s pattern before they admitted to cheating. This insight can help you address your feelings more directly, like by having an open conversation with your partner or seeking support to work through past issues.
Embrace the Journey
Unfortunately, there’s just no quick fix to figure out how loyal, ethical, honest or compatible with you your partner is. These things take time to reveal themselves—there’s no shortcut for that. So, don’t rush into the next milestone of the relationship, whether it’s becoming exclusive, making it “official,” introducing them to your family, or moving in together.
Instead, take it slow and let the relationship evolve naturally. Go on dates, meet each other’s friends and do different activities together to learn about each other’s interests, values and ways of handling different situations. This is way better than jumping through hoops and then resorting to these toxic tests to see how your partner will react.
Use Tests The Right Way
While testing your partner is bad, giving them a personality test is good! There's no pass or fail with a 16-type test or the Enneagram. Rather, you’ll get to know your partner better—their strengths, blind spots, motivations and fears—which is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Knowing why your partner thinks and acts the way they do can put things into perspective when they don't respond exactly as you expect. Love is all about understanding, accepting and supporting each other, so use these tests as a tool to do just that.
Final Words
While meant for fun, TikTok relationship tests can tell us something really important about modern dating. Actually, they tell us two things. First is that we are looking for quick fixes, but as the old adage goes “there’s no quick fix,” especially when it comes to relationships. Secondly, they reveal that many of us are too insecure to open ourselves up for vulnerability and address our concerns directly with our partner. The test becomes a crutch for our insecurities and doubts.
However, testing your romantic partner is a slippery slope. It can stir up unnecessary drama, normalize deceit and manipulation, and breed resentment on both ends. It can sabotage your relationship in irreparable ways.
So, ditch these mind games, face your fears, and focus on building a strong foundation through direct and honest communication. When opening up feels scary, ask yourself: why can’t you just say things as they are? What exactly are you afraid of? The best part of any relationship is getting to know and accepting each other—embrace that journey and leave the tests on TikTok where they belong.
